October 15, 2001
money
age: 29
gender: female
Dear kristo,
First let me thank you in advance for taking the time to read this, you really have a phenomenal web site which I find of great value.
Here is my situation:
Lately (okay, for the past 12 months) I have felt psychically stuck. I don't really know how else to explain this except to say I am questioning my path regarding my occupation. I have been practicing Zen Buddhism since 1996 and working towards my nun's ordination, which will take place in April of next year. I am also involved in various healing practices while my "job" for the past 4 years has been working in the technology business in which I work from home. I have literally made zero money since January of this year.
My question is, what is it I am doing that is preventing me from making/receiving money?? In fact, the only reason I continue to work in the technology field is to fund my schooling in regards to my healing studies. Do you think one can actually sabotage their own success and any idea of how I can remedy this?? I spend a portion of every day involved in my spiritual/healing practice to maintain the balance in my life, but I feel something to be out of balance. I'm asking you this because I seem to lack the objectification of my own circumstance and any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
Flattery may or may not get us anywhere...but as so many of us struggle with precisely the same issue (and this one hits so much closer to home than I would prefer) I was almost forcibly moved to explore this question as deeply as possible.
Unfortunately, healing and spiritual practice alone does not automatically translate into an adequate CashFlow and we're often obbliged to maintain some sort of straight gig...a "job"...through which to guarantee that rent and tuition, etc. gets paid. It's not actually a question of balance except in as much as we tend to keep one foot in one world and the other foot in another, and then find that the two are drifting further and further apart. Due to your practice, the polarities have simply intensified, and Psyche is letting you know that the energy for one is coming at the expense of the other.
There is no sabotage going on here, nor is there any imbalance. Somehow, Psyche always directly compensates our conscious position by pointing us in the direction where conscious attention upon matters of the unconscious is urgently required. In this case, Psyche is forcibly directing you to examine that which you think is simple fact. In other words, contrary to your assertion, there is more than one reason why you continue to work in the technology field. There is nothing inherently wrong in "technology." Chopping wood and carrying water is precisely what you're doing right now with this job...but you've been given, in essence, the divine gift of Chiyono in the Zen story...
The nun Chiyono studied for years, but was unable to find enlightenment. One night, she was carrying an old pail filled with water. As she was walking along, she was watching the full moon reflected in the pail of water. Suddenly, the bamboo strips that held the pail together broke, and the pail fell apart. The water rushed out; the moon's reflection disappeared...and Chiyono became enlightened. She wrote this verse:
This way and that way I tried to keep the pail together, hoping the weak bamboo would never break.
Suddenly the bottom fell out. No more water; no more moon in the water...emptiness in my hand.
kristo