February 17, 2000
Relationship ruts
age: 26
gender: female
I am currently seeing my partner of 12 months whose wife died in an accident some four years ago.
Our relationship has constantly been a struggle and although he says that he is ready to move on I am not convinced. I feel like I am constantly living in the shadow of his former wife and that he may be with me for the wrong reasons. There are many reasons for this belief including the fact that he has not moved any of her possessions out of the house yet.
Do you see this relationship actually progressing past this rut that we are currently stuck in?
Or would I best to seek happiness elsewhere?
This is another excellent example of the kind of question that is not only best answered by your dreams...but if you do learn to pay attention to them, you will see that...WITHOUT FAIL...they give you the proper and most loving answer to all such questions. Learning to do this, however, is not the easiest of tasks...and requires not only instruction, but assistance. Even Carl Jung found it extremely difficult to get to the true meaning of his own dreams without tremendous effort and without living with them over a period of time as though they were paintings or works of art in his home.
Relationship is, without doubt, the most difficult...and even frightening of human enterprises. It is also, however...the most rewarding. Few close relationships can achieve true intimacy without genuine and often, very painful struggles. Somehow the myth of the Love Potion...the magic elixir that banishes all difficulties in a haze of bliss is something that we all desperately wish for and cling to when what is indicated is getting down to the nitty gritty of dealing with the practical and human reality of the situation. Once the reality is adequately taken care of...the love potion is already present. In fact, in alchemical terms, it is the struggle to get to know your Self and the Other in relationship that creates the magic Elixir. Any worthwhile relationship is one in which we are literally forced to get to know ourselves on the most intimate and loving of terms. That's the necessity that confronts us when we seem to be running into resistance. We rarely get what we want without going through the procedures that teach us what we truly need.
When you use the word rut, you are saying a mouthful...but not in as negative a sense as you might believe. Symbolically, a rut represents an Archetypal experience which your partner and you are learning to come to terms with and to put into its proper place. The rut is not something you get out of by simply willing yourself to move out instantaneously and on command. Will power doesn't ever cut it with an archetypal force. If you take the example of a wagon or any vehicle...you simply can't turn the wheels...especially if the rut is very deep...which this one actually WAS. You also can't expect to lift the vehicle physically...it's too damn heavy. What you must do, instead, is to continue along in the rut, building up speed and momentum that will force you out as soon as you turn the wheels slightly...and at the proper moment. This rut must be lived with and worked with on its terms...not yours. Call it a form of relationship ju-jitsu, but it's not about trying to overpower something that can't be overpowered. It's about learning and growing in Intimacy. Learning to work on things together and to confront ALL necessary issues in a loving and cooperative manner while continuing to get to know yourself and your partner.
kristo